Hey Guys? Is Life Supposed to Suck This Much?
There’s a problem in society that has been festering for decades and is far more dangerous and tragic than most people can imagine. Quality of life for men is on the decline, especially for young men. Guys: If you feel like life is getting harder, it’s not just you. The numbers are ugly.
- Life expectancy for men in the USA has fallen to 73 years (79 for women).
- 11.5% of boys and men over 12 have a substance abuse disorder, compared to 6.4% of women and girls.
- The suicide death rate among men is 4 times higher (22.9 per 100,000) than women (5.9 per 100,000).
- Only 37% of men ages 25-34 have a bachelor’s degree, compared to 47% of women. Women earn nearly 60% of all bachelor’s degrees.
- 63% of men are single, compared to 34% of women.
Stop Blaming Women
It is very common online to see people blame women for the “male loneliness epidemic.” You hear/read “80% of women swipe on the same 10% of men on the dating apps! What about the rest of us?”
Look… dating apps are a shit way to meet people. They deliberately fail everyone because they are designed to keep you hooked and spending money, prioritizing revenue over genuine connections. You will stop giving them money if you meet your soulmate. When a dating app comes along that has a reasonable one time fee and no other microtransactions, costs, or fees, I’ll change my opinion. Only then will your interests be aligned.
Use the apps if you want – if nothing else you might get some practice hyping yourself up or communicating with people. But never forget: the apps are garbage. They are not the best way to meet someone. Dating advice will be another post and another video.
Women are not to blame for the loneliness epidemic. Blaming them would be like blaming women (or men) for the patriarchy or toxic masculnity. These are all negative social systems that have evolved over time and are difficult to combat or escape. There are incredibly powerful forces who have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo.
Toxic Masculinity, the Patriarchy, and Homophobia
First: Toxic Masculinity does not mean masculinity itself is toxic. Masculinity is fine in many ways. Many women are attracted to it. Men respect it. It is laudable in certain contexts. Toxic Masculinity refers to the cultural norms that glorify and encourage harmful, often stereotypical behaviors as “manly” while demeaning traits like sensitivity or empathy as “unmanly.”
Toxic masculinity is protected and preserved by patriarchial societies, and often includes homophobia. This is a tripartite cabal of social forces that devastate men’s ability to create, build, and nurture meaningful relationships and friendships.
Second: Toxic Masculinity, the Patriarchy, and Homophobia ssignificantly hinder men’s ability to experience happiness and form close, meaningful relationships. They discourage:
- Talking about feelings and emotions with friends.
- Hugging your friends.
- Checking in on friends to make sure they are ok.
- Hanging out and doing nothing but talking – not always needing an “activity” to justify spending time with guy friends.
- Telling a guy friend you love them.
Toxic masculinity labels these things as “gay” or “weak” or “feminine” and thus discourages them in men. Reject that nonsense – it’s all bullshit. Engaging in these behaviors is normal and can lead to greater happiness, improved emotional health, and stronger friendships. Your friends will be happier too, and appreciate you. Bonus: You’ll all live longer too.
Sad but accurate, Saturday Night Live nailed the unfortunate shallow nature of most male friendships:
Our Need for Intimacy Is Not Just Physical.
It is often or generally true that men have a higher need for physical intimacy…
“physical touch and intimacy are still essential to men, but they have to be fully integrated with their emotional needs”
And it is also true that men can react negatively to a lack of physical intimacy:
“When a man is rejected by the partner he loves for days, weeks, or years, it also takes a significant toll on his self-esteem and emotional well-being. When men feel a stronger interest in, and need for, sexual intimacy, they will speak up at first. When that turns out to be unproductive, it turns into nagging. Yet when his nagging leads to the wife’s blow-up, he is left with only two choices: shutting down or acting out.
On a day-to- day basis, shutting down may look something like this: not paying attention to the surroundings (such as the wife or the kids), focusing only on work, working overtime, not participating in household chores, spending most of his free time on the computer or watching TV, and choosing to spend time with friends, even when his spouse needs help at home. Shutting down also happens because it is physically painful for a man to be attracted to or turned on by his wife but not be able to touch her. He has to shut down his senses to co-exist with her under the same roof without walking around frustrated and angry all the time (which may still happen).”
But a lack of EMOTIONAL intimacy can be even more devastating, with severe effects on their health and even mortality.
“Even some people who are surrounded by others throughout the day – or are in a long-lasting marriage – still experience a deep and pervasive loneliness.”
“loneliness is a risk factor for heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, and arthritis, among other diseases. Lonely people are also twice as likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease, research suggests. The state of chronic loneliness may trigger adverse physiological responses such as the increased production of stress hormones, hinder sleep, and result in weakened immunity.”
“Feeling lonely increases the risk for dementia by 31%… Alzheimer’s by 14%, vascular dementia by 17%, and cognitive impairment by 12%. These findings were consistent even after controlling for factors such as depression and social isolation, underscoring loneliness as an independent risk factor.”
We Crave Emotional Intimacy and Yet Often Have Only One Source: Wives/Girlfriends.
Far too many men rely on their wife and girlfriend as their sole source of emotional intimacy and connection.
“Unlike women, who are encouraged to foster deep platonic intimacy from a young age, American men—with their puffed up chests, fist bumps, and awkward side hugs—grow up believing that they should not only behave like stoic robots in front of other men, but that women are the only people they are allowed to turn to for emotional support—if anyone at all.”
Saturday Night Live nailed this one as well, with a skit titled: Man Park.
This lack of emotional intimacy with anyone other than our romantic partner can have devastating effects. For example: Losing a Spouse Makes Men 70% More Likely to Die Within a Year.
“in the year after losing a spouse, men were 70% more likely to die than similarly aged men who did not lose a spouse, while women were 27% more likely to die compared to women who did not become widowed.”
We need emotional intimacy to survive and to thrive, and yet men are conditioned to seek it only from their romantic partner, and not from friends. Women, however, get emotional intimacy from their friends as well, and thus are far better equipped to survive the loss of a spouse or the end of a relationship.
There are other issues included here as well, like the fact that once men are married or seriously dating, they leave all social responsibilities to their wife or girlfriend. This includes making plans with friends, maintaining family ties (kinkeeping), etc. Perhaps that will warrant an entire post/video in the future. (See also: Theorising Mankeeping, Angelica Ferrara and Dylan Vergara and Kinkeeping in the Familial Division of Labor, Carolyn J. Rosenthal).
Wow. That’s Depressing. How Do We Fix This?
Fortunately, it really isn’t that complicated.
Make more friends. This takes a lot more effort post-high school/college. Make that effort. Talk to people in places you frequent (gym, coffee shop, etc.) If you see someone out somewhere often – especially if its a hobby – strike up a conversation. Introduce yourself. 99% of the time the other person probably wanted to already, and you did them a huge favor by making the first step. Remember that friendships do not have anywhere near the “expectation” as romantic relationships, so it is quite safe to just introduce yourself to someone for the purpose of friendship.
Be Receptive to Serendipitous Friends. Friends can come from anywhere – not just the most obvious places and not always when you are deliberately trying to make friends. Be open to this possibility! One of your kids’ teachers. Your car dealer. Someone who works at your favorite restaurant. A few interactions and suddenly you realize “wow, I really vibe with this person.” Maybe they get the same feeling, and bam, you’re friends.
Make those friendships matter. Invest time in the friends you vibe with. Do your conversations flow? Are you developing a conversational short hand right away? Do you have compatible senses of humor or interests? Great. Put some more time into that friendship. Ask them for their number or other contact info. You don’t need a specific reason (like a sporting event or planned activity). Everyone knows why you ask for contact info. It’s so you can stay in touch outside the place you met. That’s not weird. That’s normal.
Ignore toxic masculinity and homophobia. Any time you start to worry “Is this gay? Is this lame? Is this weak?” Shut that voice down and know it for what it is: bullshit social programming.
Let yourself develop deeper feelings for your friends. If you really dig one of your friends, its ok to be excited that this person is your friend. My wife calls this a “friendship crush.” Perhaps toxic masculinity is stopping me from adopting the term myself, and instead qualifying it by naming her as the source. I’ll have to ponder that…
Hug your friends. I am usually the first to initiate hugs with my male friends. The first hug is often a bit tense initially, but is quickly reciprocated. From that point forward it is a competition for who can hug the hardest. Men crave human touch and connection as much as anyone, and who doesn’t love a good hug from someone you care about? I will admit I wait for female friends to initiate hugs first, out of sensitivity to what their comfort level might be with male physical contact.
Embrace the importance of deep friendships in your life. Make them a priority. Try to make sure you check in with friends often and make time to hang out frequently (as feasible). Don’t let too much time go by without connection. But if it does, don’t stress about it. Your friend won’t stop being your friend just because a few weeks, months, or even years went by since your last chat. Just call them to catch up!
Every woman you become friends with is not always a potential romantic partner. And that’s ok, because she’s at least equally valuable as a friend. Having a wide variety of diverse friends is a very good thing. It broadens and deepens you as a person, gives you more perspectives on the world, life, and so many topics, and will ultimately make you a more interesting person.
It Can’t Be That Easy. Is It Worth It?
I didn’t say it was easy. I said it wasn’t complicated. Breaking away from decades of social programming won’t be easy. Creating new patterns of behavior, and disrupting old ones, is never easy.
As for being worth it: We are talking about your life, your health, and your happiness. Those are good enough reasons to make the effort and not give up.
And deep, meaningful friendships are their own reward.
A Heartfelt Thank You to My Friends
In 2020, when I had a life threatening back surgery, old friends and rowing teammates from college somehow found out, reached out, and called to check on me. Some of them I hadn’t spoken with for 10-20 years. But the friendship was still there and their care for my well being was a tremendous boon to my spirits that helped me recover while also motivating me to rehab hard.
I have numerous friends that have been incredibly important to my life for years or even decades. One friend I’ve known for over 30 years and never met in person. We met in an online game in the mid 90s and stayed in touch since. I talk to him almost every day and we’ve shared intimate details about our lives, goals, hopes, fears, everything. We’ve helped each other countless times with work, but more importantly we’ve been there for each other no matter what.
Another long time friend I met first online is responsible for my wife and I meeting. Virtual, online, or gaming friends can be just as real and substantial as friends you meet or spend time with in meatspace.
Some friendships are not as strong as they once were for various reasons – politics, life changes, circumstances – but I am hopeful they may be strong again someday. But if they aren’t, that’s ok. Sometimes friendships fade, or get replaced by others. Or friends pass away, and it is their memory and the feelings they left behind that you never forget.
All of these people mean a great deal to me. They are vital parts of my life and my well being. They inspire me to do great things, and I hope they feel the same way about me. So I want to end this post (and perhaps the video) with a message to them:
Steve, Brownell, Brian, Ton, Jody, Rich, Tom, Deb, Ron, Nathan, Hal, Ted, Faraz, Michele, Joe, Eldon, Jon, Warren, Matt, Collin, Mel, Nicci, Chaffy, Pumpkin, Senica, Gordon, Michael, Alex, YB, Harold, MoMass, Whitney, Teresa, Johnny, BJ, Holly… and surely a handful more I’m embarassingly forgetting at the moment… Thank you for being such amazing friends. I truly love each and every one of you, and hope I have been a good and loyal friend to you as well.
Thanks for writing this. I’ve also struggled with feeling like it’s okay to tell my friends that I both care and love them. But by doing so, it’s helped me feel more connected and whole.
You are welcome. And thank you for the comment. 🙂
It is tough, but once you do it, and make it a habit, its like your entire life just transforms and becomes warmer and happier – and same for people around you.